I still don’t fuck around, jizzlords
…and that’s homemade sriracha, duh
THAI FOOD, MEXICAN, VIETNAMESE … I DON’T REALLY CARE, AS LONG AS IT HAS CILANTRO IN IT. THAT’S MY THING. I CAN’T GET ENOUGH. I’M A CILANTRO MANIAC.
SERIOUSLY. SOMEONE NEEDS TO LIKE, INTERVENE IN MY LIFE. I THINK I HAVE A PROBLEM.
GUESS WHICH PLATE IS MINE YOU FUCKEN DRIPPY VAGINAS
YOU RUG-BURNED GUNTS
YOU TIRESOME DICKLIPS
GODDAMN TACO AMATEURS
people who dislike cilantro:
- listen to the same shitty music as their parents
- subscribe to the same paranoid, awful politics as their parents (gays? ew!)
- work in HR or Accounting or middle-management
- drive a ford Taurus from 8 years ago (always 8)
- feel guilty about having an orgasm
- always go to disneyland or disney world for vacation, maybe a resort in Hawaii for their 25th anniversary if they can save up enough money before then
- suburbs
- made-in-china bullshit shortbus-jingoism ‘support the troops’ ribbon magnets on the car
- are 15-year-old Juggalos on Lipitor but without the rebelliousness, basically
- insecure and afraid
A crisis of cilantro!
Having too much cilantro is always on my mind, and so far, I’ve found few new options for the 2/3 bouquet of cilantro
(a full batch of cilantro should ALWAYS be referred to as a bouquet)
Until now! After having some delightful cilantro sauce with french fries the other day, I went into the full court press to find some good recipes. As it turns out, there are many ways of doing it, the best options are shown below:
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1873392
http://www.recipezaar.com/recipe/Cilantro-Lime-Cream-Sauce-28058
http://www.bigoven.com/82742-Enchiladas-with-Jalapeno-and-Cilantro-Sauce-recipe.html
heyyyyyyyyy kids! the last one is a video of me and my parents’ gardener making a really fucking top notch cilantro sauce.
…all over my belly.
Cilantro Haters, It’s Not Your Fault
FUCK YOU YES IT IS
errbody’s been going apeshit and emailing me this fucking joke of an article in today’s NYT. (let’s not forget that NPR ran this same “blame it on your genes you stupid fucking crybabies” article back in 2008.)
luckily, The Awl knows what’s up:
THIS JUST IN: a life without an adventuresome palette is a life barely lived. DUH.So, really, it’s not that you’re an unrefined hick, it’s more that your genes are lacking in culture. The article suggests several options by which you can allow yourself to appreciate the subtle majesty of cilantro, but it seems like a lot of work and we know you’d be much happier sticking to regular parsley, right? I wouldn’t trouble yourself too much about it, you boorish culinary xenophobe.
it is worth repeating
WE NEED CORRESPONDENCE FROM THE PIONEERS LIVING ON THE EDGE.
THIS IS A PLACE FOR CELEBRATION, NOT ROUTINE.
suck my diiiiiiiiiick
suck my diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
seriously guys, i haven’t seen anything revelatory in my inbox since that girl sent the strap-on photo.
fucken GET ON IT
i got like a whole classroom full of milhouses here, ughhh
1300 net-addict blog twat nerds with their faces pressed to the storefront window and yet no one has sent charmingly-composed photos of cilantro braided into their bush?
no one else here loves cilantro enough to instinctively hug it to their bathing suit areas in front of camera?
no one?
UH OH I AM GETTING BORED OF FOOD-BLOGGING AGAIN
some people send me photos of cilantro-intense meals they have lovingly crafted, and others alert me to fitting recipes posted on other cooking blogs.
this is touching and sweet but it is not enough to GET MY DICK A-JUMPIN’
this is “FUCK YEAH CILANTRO,” not “oh, um, i guess i’ll make a dish that incorporates cilantro tonight. i should probably go ahead and make extra so we can re-heat it two nights from now.”
I HAVE NO DESIRE TO COMPETE WITH KITCHEN-BLOGGING TWATS WHO DOCUMENT EVERY RECIPE AND EVERY SPATULA IN EVERY DRAWER WITH BOKEH-BULLSHIT WANKERY
I WANT CILANTRO BUTTHOLE BOUQUETS AND SCREAMING FANATICS BUSY PACKING CORIANDER SEEDS BENEATH BOTH THEIR UPPER AND LOWER EYELIDS
if you want recipes, just www dot google dot fuck you idiot dot com slash “hey what is a tasty thing to eat made with cilantro AND recipe AND pretty photos taken by a childless couple in their forties AND designer kitchen i will never have AND no dick pics” and go to town, you fucking bore.
MORE DICKS
MORE DILDOS
MORE UNWAVERING FAITH
MORE SHOCK AND AWE
*
fill a bathtub with water and float like $5 worth of cilantro on top. take photos of your bare ass rising above the greenery all glacier-like. then photos of you cooking with that cilantro. then photos of your in-laws happily tucking into that meal. EASY.
*
(submissions can be anonymous. just say so. duh.)
*
EVERY RECIPE IS IMPROVED WITH CILANTRO. YOU DO NOT NEED TO GOOGLE IT. YOU DO NOT NEED ME TO SPOON-FEED YOU IDEAS.
WE NEED CORRESPONDENCE FROM THE PIONEERS LIVING ON THE EDGE. THIS IS A PLACE FOR CELEBRATION, NOT ROUTINE.
RUN SEVERAL POUNDS OF CILANTRO THROUGH A BLNDER WITH A TEASPOON OR TWO OF OLIVE OIL. PUT RUBBER SHEETS ON YOUR BED AND POUR THE SCENT-NIRVANA SLURRY INTO THE CENTER. GO TO TOWN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/SLAM-PIECE. WAKE THE NEIGHBORS WITH YOUR HOARSE GRUNTING. PHOTOGRAPH THE POLICE AS THEY KICK DOWN YOUR DOOR.
MAKE US PROUD