some people send me photos of cilantro-intense meals they have lovingly crafted, and others alert me to fitting recipes posted on other cooking blogs.
this is touching and sweet but it is not enough to GET MY DICK A-JUMPIN’
this is “FUCK YEAH CILANTRO,” not “oh, um, i guess i’ll make a dish that incorporates cilantro tonight. i should probably go ahead and make extra so we can re-heat it two nights from now.”
I HAVE NO DESIRE TO COMPETE WITH KITCHEN-BLOGGING TWATS WHO DOCUMENT EVERY RECIPE AND EVERY SPATULA IN EVERY DRAWER WITH BOKEH-BULLSHIT WANKERY
I WANT CILANTRO BUTTHOLE BOUQUETS AND SCREAMING FANATICS BUSY PACKING CORIANDER SEEDS BENEATH BOTH THEIR UPPER AND LOWER EYELIDS
if you want recipes, just www dot google dot fuck you idiot dot com slash “hey what is a tasty thing to eat made with cilantro AND recipe AND pretty photos taken by a childless couple in their forties AND designer kitchen i will never have AND no dick pics” and go to town, you fucking bore.
MORE DICKS
MORE DILDOS
MORE UNWAVERING FAITH
MORE SHOCK AND AWE
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fill a bathtub with water and float like $5 worth of cilantro on top. take photos of your bare ass rising above the greenery all glacier-like. then photos of you cooking with that cilantro. then photos of your in-laws happily tucking into that meal. EASY.
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(submissions can be anonymous. just say so. duh.)
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EVERY RECIPE IS IMPROVED WITH CILANTRO. YOU DO NOT NEED TO GOOGLE IT. YOU DO NOT NEED ME TO SPOON-FEED YOU IDEAS.
WE NEED CORRESPONDENCE FROM THE PIONEERS LIVING ON THE EDGE. THIS IS A PLACE FOR CELEBRATION, NOT ROUTINE.
RUN SEVERAL POUNDS OF CILANTRO THROUGH A BLNDER WITH A TEASPOON OR TWO OF OLIVE OIL. PUT RUBBER SHEETS ON YOUR BED AND POUR THE SCENT-NIRVANA SLURRY INTO THE CENTER. GO TO TOWN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/SLAM-PIECE. WAKE THE NEIGHBORS WITH YOUR HOARSE GRUNTING. PHOTOGRAPH THE POLICE AS THEY KICK DOWN YOUR DOOR.
MAKE US PROUD
